i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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