If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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