**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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