it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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