just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
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you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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