I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
