Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
