i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
