I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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