I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my being single is dangerous.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
