I'm jealous of your bromance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
