i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
