So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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