I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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