Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Randomize
