I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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