So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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