an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
