Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
