You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Thank you for not boning my boss.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
