Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
