Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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