Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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