Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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