I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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