The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize