I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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