im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
People in love make me want to vomit
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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