I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
