Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
