I love black thongs
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You don't make any sense
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