she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
