Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
