I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Are we in a gay sports bar?
My liver just broke up with me...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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