final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She's the barista slut.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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