apparently the secret to your success is patron
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
