you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
