im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
