The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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