I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
