First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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