Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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