she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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