Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
