My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
