and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
