i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
