SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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