3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
