he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
