So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
