i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
