why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
