Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
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He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
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I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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