Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
