Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
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I need a burrito and a hug.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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