When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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