half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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