someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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