I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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