I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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The chlamydia really affected his face.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
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I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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